Skill/Competency: Able to successfully complete multiple, high priority projects concurrently.
Translated: Able to complete the 6,325 project deliverables that have been assigned to me while on back to back, never ending conference calls with minimal usage of the phrase, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that, please?” Mastered the ability to prepare lunch, eat lunch, pee, and drive while on a conference call. (Not all at the same time, though. That would be under “long term goals.”)
Skill/Competency: Excellent written and verbal communication skills.
Translated: Have figured out how to use Google and Microsoft’s thesaurus to sound intelligent without being redundant. Not above using copy and paste if someone else has written something better than I could ever state it. Have learned to rephrase “Are you a #!%#!%!#%! moron?” into the more appropriate “I don’t quite see things that way.”
Short term goals: Successfully implement project X.
Translated: Make it through the day without physical harm to myself or others, and without saying anything that requires a meeting with HR to discuss my “personality conflicts with others” when my multitasking skills fail me and the stress of trying to complete 6,325 simultaneous projects with a bunch of #!%#!%!#%! morons finally overtakes me. Rely heavily upon snarky comments via IM with girlfriends and mass quantities of coffee so I will survive to see another Friday.
Long term goals: Upon mastering <current job function>, to be promoted to <level X>.
Translated: Dude, I just want to hang on and make enough to retire; the sooner the better, please. Just keep my job interesting until then, OK, and don’t kill me in the process.
Willingness to relocate: Will relocate for right opportunity.
Translated: Will move if the Company:
- Gives me a really big fat raise (that does not come with a big fat increase in work … SOME more work, OK).
- Hires a maid (let’s call her Alice) to keep my current house immaculate while it’s on the market. I can’t keep my house clean enough for my standards (which, frankly, are fairly low) let alone clean enough for potential buyers.
- Finds spouse a highly paid job (or, in the case of my spouse – pays for a country club membership so my spouse can be a golf hack all day, especially if I get that big fat raise).
- Hires a moving company to pack and transport all of my junk to my new location.
- Whisks our entire family off on a week long vacation, ala Home Makeover (yes, limo to the airport, please) while all of our belongings are en route to our new, luxe house. Upon end of vacation, Company delivers the family (still via limo) to aforementioned luxe house where everything is unpacked and 100% move-in ready; Alice has dinner waiting for us, jammies out, and beds turned down.
Just a hunch … but we probably won’t be relocating any time soon.